I'm in Mourning...Of My Life

For the past few weeks I've been clothing myself in an all-black attire.

At first, I joked I must secretly be a New Yorker, or at least I would fit in well in the Big Apple that week. Week two came along and the Texas weather was still in the 70s and 80s; yet every morning I was draping myself in a pair of black pants or leggings, or a black skirt and a top, or better yet a dress, (the look always completed with a loose fitting sweater), like it was the most logical thing in the world. A co-worker even told me that all I needed was a pillbox hat and I would have the 1950s WWII widow look down-packed.

It wasn't until week 3 trudged along, that I started to sincerely question my compulsory use of the color black in my wardrobe. And in case you are wondering, yes, week 4/today/Monday I woke up at 7:53 AM (7 minutes till I am supposed to be at work) and saw no other option but a black dress, heels and sweater. Even my underwear which I tried, and failed (a couple of times), to step into, while wearing said heels, is black.

There is either a deep-seeded issue or a mixture of factors that is causing my vestment malfunction. Surely.

One: Black is slimming. I must just feel fat...Too simple. I'll dismiss it for now.

Two: Over the past few months I have been grappling with the decision of staying in Texas. My full-time cubicle job footing my bill to travel home or go out and get drunk, both of which I increasingly live for.

Speaking of "living for" things. The aphorism "I live for the weekend" has been ringing a little too true in my life. In fact, I haven't written anything since June and when I started writing a blog at the end of August, I got this far:

"I got laid last night.

Or at least I thought I did when I woke up. Then I realized I just had the most detailed, realistic sex dream of my life."

OK. So worse yet, I'm living for my dreams, which frankly, since that one, haven't been so great. They have been more of a nightmare. Yes, I know I'm channeling Beyonce a little bit right now. And, no. I don't like it.

Saturday night I stayed in and had a dream that I- get this- "blacked-out" a year of my life. As in, I just came to all of a sudden and I was sitting in my cubicle and a year had passed and I had blacked-out the whole thing. It was like Well Ferrell in "Old School" and I even used this simile in my dream as a means of explaining my condition. Except instead of blacking-out several well-formed sentences in a debate against James Carville, I blacked out 12 months of my mundane life and came to thinking "what happened?" Thematic right?

Let me try and do a better job of explaining my situation. I have a decent-paying, health-insurance-covering "job" in a terrible economy and that's where the pro side of the argument ends. Cons- My college degree is going to waste completely, if it wasn't a total waste to begin with, as I find myself getting more stupid by the day. Case in point: I'm using scenes from "Old School" to describe things IN MY DREAMS. Also, under cons, a monkey could do my job, i hate my life, etc.

It is evident I have become esurient for some sort of passion in my life.

Oh, and I just went to thesarus.com, entered in the word "squelch," since it is what my job is doing to my will to live, and I shit you not synonyms are listed as: "black out, censure, crush, extinguish, kill, muffle, oppress, quelch, quench, repress, settle, shush, sit on, smother, squash, stifle, strangle" and, last but not least, "thwart".

OK so all this bitching about my wearing black and blacking-out has a point. I refuse to live my life in mourning. Since I'm going hungry mentally, barely living in a cubicle, getting by on scraps alone, I have to make a change.

Ladies and gentleman, I'm over it.

"You Look Tired"

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

In this past week, the week of June 15th, 2009, the longest week I can remember in a very long time, I have received numerous comments on my appearance.

Monday

A chipper co-worker asked me: "Did you get some sun this weekend?" Well, yes. I did "get" a little bit of sun. A couple days ago I went for a 8 mile run in sweltering 100 degree weather. The sun was beating down on me and consequently, I achieved a sports bra tan and, technically, a sunburn. A sunburn that had subsided substantially. Or, so I thought. I responded that yes, I was out in the sun for a couple of hours this weekend. To which another co-worker chimed in, "You ARE burned!"

Thanks.

Tuesday

Drinks with a brigade of dorkish characters. Allow me to paint a picture: At one point I was sitting bitch in a PT Cruiser wedged between the driver's recently dry-cleaned suits and a cat-loving, French-speaking, briefcase-toting law student named "Herschel," while Sisquo's The Thong Song blared from an iPod shuffle as we tore down North Central Expressway. The table conversation at the bar was dominated by Tyler Florence/Applebee's jokes, ("I have made perhaps my greatest creation!") and at one point someone said "motor-boarding" by mistake in place of "motor-boating", which brings up a whole host of issues, and possible terrorist affiliations.

Regardless, Hershel made an offhand comment that, surely, I would have a deeper understanding about whatever he was saying, because I was a swimmer.

Am I? Did I tell you that? Or did you just say that because...

"Aren't you? You have broad shoulders. Sorry I'm honest when I'm drunk," said Hershel.

THANKS.

Wednesday

I call a co-worker to ask a work question. Instead of the usual "Hello?" I am met with resounding laughter. Upon inquiry, I was informed that this person overheard me yesterday talking on the phone in the bathroom. "I recognized your voice and I thought to myself, she can be quiet!"

Apparently my hushed tones when conversing with someone in the bathroom were quite astounding to this person who, (indirectly), called me loud. (This particular accusation is a pet peeve of mine).

I am loud. DEAL with it.

At this point, I have been called loud, sunburned, and broad-shouldered, so bring it.

Thursday (Today)

"You look tired. Like you're not quite here yet."

"Yeah. How about you have your coffee before you come get coffee? You are a hazard on the roads."

Ok people...I know I'm not a morning person, but I did the unusual today! I actually showered, dried my hair and put on makeup. Guess that's not fooling anyone.

Thanks again.

So, I'm a loud, sun-burned, broad-shouldered, admittedly morning impaired individual. I realize I actually am these things. But, obviously I'm developing a bit of a complex here...Thinking back on this week, an additional commentary is created in my mind. I could swear someone on my run called out "LEFT!" and added "pudgy" under his breath. I hope I made that part up. If not, let's add it to the list.

To those who have contributed to my self-confidence this week: What is it about not really knowing me that has allowed you to make blunt remarks about my appearance and demeanor?

I hope I'm not guilty of calling other people out to this extent.

If not a complex, at the very least, I have developed some level of social anxiety. The older I get, the more I will go out of my way to avoid strangers. I become visibly disraught when I have to make small talk. I avoid crowds like the plague. Taking the elevator? Not if I don't know you. I'll take the stairs.

If there is a moral to this story - or modern-day fable - if I may, it is that as much as I am developing an aversion to strangers, I am gaining a futher appreciation of my friends.

Case in point, one who just said: "Well, I told you the other day how hot you looked. So make sure to mention those of us who think you're a babe."

Thank you. And this time, I mean it.

Out of Office

Today is Monday, May 18th 2009. I will be out of the office today, due to the impending Apocalypse. At this time I will be unavailable to return any phone calls, emails, texts, gchats, facebook or myspace messages and wall posts, instant messages of any kind, or make any updates to my twitter. At this juncture I will also not be able to offer advice or feedback on any of the following: members of the opposite sex, relationships, marriage, divorce, separation, unprotected sex or sexual encounters of any kind, infidelities, physical or mental illness, religion, murder or treason. I will also be unable to perform my editing duties to text messages, wall posts, emails, voicemails or anything requiring structuring sentences of any kind. In my absence please contact a voice of reason, a parent, a counselor or best yet, God. If I am able to detain the Apocalypse, I will return at an undetermined time when I have regained my soul and my sanity. Have a nice day!

Hedone

High Maintenance Specialist
Serving DFW & ATL

Office Phrases that Should Be Eliminated: 2009 Edition

(Please see my original post for a little background.)

In these tough economic times, there has been a sudden and unexplained increase in ridiculous office phrases. I have changed jobs, career paths and moved to a new city; yet still, I am haunted daily by catch-phrases that people insist on incorporating into their workplace vernacular.

1)"Per"

The two part sentence, "Per name of a supervisor or boss." can apparently answer any question.

When asking a co-worker why he organized a spontaneous happy hour. He responded to me in an email:

"Per Mary."

This doesn't answer my question at all whatsoever.

The closest imaginable definition of "per" in this context is:

By means of; through.
adv. Informal

So, "By means of Mary you organized a happy hour?" WHAT? PER-haps you should have said, "Because Mary wanted to foster the team attitude of our department by getting everyone drunk." That is an acceptable answer, albeit bullshit.

It also can get you out of almost anything in the work place:

Q: "Why has this advertiser been getting free ads for the past 5 years?"

A: Per the former manager and contract.

Q: "Why didn't you come to work yesterday?"

A: Per my cold.

Q: "Why did you set fire to your cubicle?"

A: Per the declivity of my computer's ability to function.

It can also get you unwarranted things:

Per my friend Bob I will need to take off the next 3 months no questions asked.

Approved.

2)"Offline"

As in: "Lets take that offline."

I'm sorry are we online? Is this dial-up? Where is that awesome sound we used to endure in the 90s? Oh here it is.

This is by far the most offensive office phrase I have ever encountered. During meetings, directors and managers alike make use of this sentence to shut you up or avoid answering a question they don't have the answer to.

This is apparently an acceptable response to a question or concern brought up in a forum designed for questions and concerns, a meeting.

I have determined this offensive phrase to mean: "Lets talk about that later. I do not want to have this conversation in front of everyone because I will look like an ass since I don't have a legitimate answer to your question."

Why didn't you just say so?

3)"Integrity"- While a lovely word meaning:

1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished
3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition,

The word completely loses it's connotation when used as an excuse to make someone adhere to something you are trying to sell.

"No you can't offer your client any sort of concession, we have to stick with the integrity of the program." [designed to rip people off].

Just so we're all clear.

4)"Flexible" and/or "Open Minded"

"We have to be flexible!" and/or "We have to be open-minded!"

These terms also actually exist within fully-functioning sentences. However, it's the context that is disturbing.

My client wants to sell me into the sex trade in South America.

Well, you have to be flexible and open-minded!

5)"Let put on the full court press for Q4."

Let's kill two birds with one stone. There are two office phrases that should be eliminated IMMEDIATELY in this one.

#1 Full Court Press

Really? Where's your whistle? If you insist on making frequent the use of this phrase, go back to the small northern town from whence you came and coach girl's high school basketball.

Q4.

Anyone who uses any of the Q's in an actual conversation should be shot. It doesn't make you sound cool or smart.

6)"Happy Selling"

Who are you kidding? This doesn't deserve an explanation.

7)"World Class"

As in: "Thank you for your world class customer service."

You're welcome. I didn't realize that mere decency in the work place qualified me as the highest caliber of customer service on this planet. Thanks though!

The Office

I've decided to make an addition to my cubicle: a Velcro wall complete with felt versions of inclement weather I can put up to reflect my increasingly bad moods.

Also, I've decided to install a vault at home where I will keep my jack in the box on a pedestal with a spotlight.

That will only be funny to one of the three people who read my blog.

Ok on to the actual point of this blog....What does upper management do????

1) Come up with ridiculous projects such as "vision boarding". Don't mistake our 2 o'clock meeting for an overgrown Pre-K class ready for their nap...Outlook calendar requests have actually been sent out and plans were made in advance to cut pictures out of magazines and put them on poster boards to represent personal and "professional" goals.

Aside: I walked in an hour late to work since I am potentially dying of a sinus infection...or a disease where mucus overtakes my body...is that cystic fibrosis? Great. Can you tell I'm a hypochondriac?

Anyways, I walk in and my superior is carrying a multitude of poster board for this glorious project we have been hearing about for a week now. It's actually happening.

2) Ridiculous things like this: My boss's boss is a woman who sends out a couple of hard-hitting business-minded emails sporadically throughout the month. One such email is birthdays and anniversaries in the office! It includes some sad formatting to let us know that Gerald is 52 and there are no anniversaries of anyone working here because everyone quits or gets fired. Secondly, I receive a semi-weekly document on Leadership. Last week was "Week #17". This week is "Week #9". Regardless each week there is some document in my inbox on "leadership" this person has dedicated themselves to trolling the Internet for.

What a waste of time.