Office Phrases that Should Be Eliminated: 2009 Edition

(Please see my original post for a little background.)

In these tough economic times, there has been a sudden and unexplained increase in ridiculous office phrases. I have changed jobs, career paths and moved to a new city; yet still, I am haunted daily by catch-phrases that people insist on incorporating into their workplace vernacular.

1)"Per"

The two part sentence, "Per name of a supervisor or boss." can apparently answer any question.

When asking a co-worker why he organized a spontaneous happy hour. He responded to me in an email:

"Per Mary."

This doesn't answer my question at all whatsoever.

The closest imaginable definition of "per" in this context is:

By means of; through.
adv. Informal

So, "By means of Mary you organized a happy hour?" WHAT? PER-haps you should have said, "Because Mary wanted to foster the team attitude of our department by getting everyone drunk." That is an acceptable answer, albeit bullshit.

It also can get you out of almost anything in the work place:

Q: "Why has this advertiser been getting free ads for the past 5 years?"

A: Per the former manager and contract.

Q: "Why didn't you come to work yesterday?"

A: Per my cold.

Q: "Why did you set fire to your cubicle?"

A: Per the declivity of my computer's ability to function.

It can also get you unwarranted things:

Per my friend Bob I will need to take off the next 3 months no questions asked.

Approved.

2)"Offline"

As in: "Lets take that offline."

I'm sorry are we online? Is this dial-up? Where is that awesome sound we used to endure in the 90s? Oh here it is.

This is by far the most offensive office phrase I have ever encountered. During meetings, directors and managers alike make use of this sentence to shut you up or avoid answering a question they don't have the answer to.

This is apparently an acceptable response to a question or concern brought up in a forum designed for questions and concerns, a meeting.

I have determined this offensive phrase to mean: "Lets talk about that later. I do not want to have this conversation in front of everyone because I will look like an ass since I don't have a legitimate answer to your question."

Why didn't you just say so?

3)"Integrity"- While a lovely word meaning:

1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished
3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition,

The word completely loses it's connotation when used as an excuse to make someone adhere to something you are trying to sell.

"No you can't offer your client any sort of concession, we have to stick with the integrity of the program." [designed to rip people off].

Just so we're all clear.

4)"Flexible" and/or "Open Minded"

"We have to be flexible!" and/or "We have to be open-minded!"

These terms also actually exist within fully-functioning sentences. However, it's the context that is disturbing.

My client wants to sell me into the sex trade in South America.

Well, you have to be flexible and open-minded!

5)"Let put on the full court press for Q4."

Let's kill two birds with one stone. There are two office phrases that should be eliminated IMMEDIATELY in this one.

#1 Full Court Press

Really? Where's your whistle? If you insist on making frequent the use of this phrase, go back to the small northern town from whence you came and coach girl's high school basketball.

Q4.

Anyone who uses any of the Q's in an actual conversation should be shot. It doesn't make you sound cool or smart.

6)"Happy Selling"

Who are you kidding? This doesn't deserve an explanation.

7)"World Class"

As in: "Thank you for your world class customer service."

You're welcome. I didn't realize that mere decency in the work place qualified me as the highest caliber of customer service on this planet. Thanks though!