Pigeons v. Penguins

As I walked into work today I prepared myself to inevitably come across the dead pigeon thats been laying on the curb for the past 3 days. Yesterday I thought to myself, "When will someone dispose of that pigeon? It's sickening me!"

Today I was surprised to see the decomposing pigeon had vanished completely. Thank god. They must have swept it up in one of those street cleaning vehicles you see so rarely.

All this internal dialogue on pigeons got me thinking. I propose we replace pigeons with penguins. I would much rather see a brigade of penguins on my way to work than a cluster of pigeons. I mean, pigeons are really just rats with wings, in terms of the various diseases they carry. They are unappealing to the eye. They can fly...they just choose not to. They all seem to have a serious weight problem, no fear of humans and a scavenging demeanor that is very off-setting.

On the other hand, people love penguins. Penguins, although actually incapable of flight, really make their look work for them. As very appealing and interesting creatures, people have made various documentaries on penguins. People also frequently allude that penguins can sing. Penguins may even have "something up their sleeve," as exhibited in the film Madagascar.

The Wikipedia article on the film says "The Madagascar Penguins...are a group of four penguins who believe they are either spies and/or gangsters. Though they all have different abilities, they are all skilled in gymnastics and martial arts. They also starred in The Madagascar Penguins in a Christmas Caper, a short film directed by Gary Trousdale and written by Michael Lachance."

Penguins also frequently make the news. CNN had a video and lengthy article on a recent rescue mission for some penguins that were lost.

In conclusion, it would put everyone in a good mood to deal with penguins in the morning.

Relationship Woes

Due to popular demand, I need to cover another subject today.

In fact, one random thought I was going to cram into my blog from 20 minutes ago was LDRs. You may be wondering, "What on Earth is a LDR?" A LDR is the dreadful "Long Distance Relationship". A LDR, like a STD, should be avoided at all costs. And that is me speaking from experience. Didn't think I should throw these words of wisdom on top of my ramblings on pigs, rashes and my morning ineptitude.

One of my 35 cousins told me this morning how much she hated it when her boyfriend leaves on Monday. She is currently suffering from a LDR. Some keynote symptoms include: emotional loss, heartache, disorientation and a general disdain for the real world. If you have 2 or more of these symptoms you may be suffering from Stage 3 of a LDR.

A Briefing on Stages of an LDR:

• Stage 1: You like someone, talk to someone frequently even though you are aware they do not live near you. Against common sense you ignore this fact. Stage 1 is "risky behavior" and leaves you with a high chance for developing a Stage 2 LDR.


• Stage 2: Delirium. This can work. Sure it can! This Stage is one of the hardest stages to go through or witness someone else go through. Physical symptoms can be traumatizing. Symptoms include: perma-grin, weight loss, manic episodes, nervousness and delusional thoughts.


• Stage 3: Doubt. I went over the symptoms of Stage 3 a moment ago.


• Stage 4*: A Stage 4 LDR is very serious and should not be taken lightly. It can be ruinous to the central nervous system and leave a wake of depression in its midst even if cured. Treatment can be long and painful.

*Women are much more severely impacted by a Stage 4 LDR. The reasons for this remain a medical mystery.

OK. After covering LDRs I would like to move on to a somewhat lighter topic, but it is still a problematic condition that deserves to be noted.

It is a male condition. For short we will call it TTGFG. (Taking the Girlfriend for Granted). Men are very strange beings. When a man is first interested in a woman he pursues her vigorously. After winning her over with his charm, wit, dedication, loyalty and affection, he then enters the dreaded comfort zone and stops trying to impress his mate. This can lead to a UBU (Ugly Break Up), which are very unpleasant and can affect both men and women. I am taking suggestions on how to avoid TTGFG syndrome or a resulting UBU.

Be careful folks. It's a dangerous world we live in.

Random Thoughts

My friend looks exactly like Sarah Palin. I'm just saying.

My cousin is having a baby at the end of November. This excites me greatly. Except for the fact that she will technically be my second cousin. That is boring and not nearly exciting as having a niece, which is what I will consider her.

I CANNOT get ready in the morning/get to work on time. Seriously. I have to be here at 8 am and I woke up at 6:30 am, showered, dressed, made coffee and my lunch and it was 7:50 am. You may wonder, was I moving in slow motion? I myself am curious. As soon as I left my apartment, I successfully spilled coffee everywhere. But it was an especially talented moment, as I pulled off a sloshing-while-turning maneuver causing me to try and stand up while driving to avoid sitting in a pool of wasted caffeine. At least I'm wearing brown pants. I then missed my exit and in the process found a way to avoid traffic lights completely during my 2 mile commute. So I guess it worked out. Except for the fact that my hair was still wet and un-brushed, I was wearing no make up and I cannot compete with the perfect girl who has a different designer suit every day. My supervisor even made some comment under her breath about a hairdryer. Guess I will have to start getting up at 6 am to get to work by 8 am. Ridiculous.

I don't really have anything to do at my new reasonably paying job. But surely that will change. I have to remember this isn't like my past "work." As an intern(society's excuse for indentured servitude), Day 1 they throw work at you. Piles and piles of work. They can't wait for you start they have so much work for you. Day 1 of my last torture session, I mean, internship, I was there until 8 pm. Are you joking? I should have quit right then. Lucky for you I now have the time to tell you all about my life as it is today: A fly is buzzing around the office, I keep having loud sneezing outbursts and I accidentally just printed all my personal conversations to the community printer. Amazing. Good thing I noticed.

On another note...(and keeping with the spirit of Halloween)...

Part 2
I have a bone to pick with scientists.

I have a mysterious chest cramp and an equally mysterious rash. I realize this sounds bad, but my point is doctors don't understand A LOT of things. Suuure you can tell me about cellular respiration(or does that only happen in plants?) and you can make a cat glow in the dark, but you can't cure the common cold, or get rid of my sketchy rash. Figure it out.

If you need more unofficial proof on the subject, here you go: Regarding feet, you can't do anything for a broken toe or a sprained ankle and anyone I know who has had surgery on their feet ends up in worse pain than before. Also, I've had the beginnings of what appears to be an ingrown toenail for several years now and I can't help fearing it's going to get infected and I'm going to end up toeless. (That actually happened to someone I've met before and I saw the knub in all it's glory resting on a flip flop. [I feel additional paratheses are required to reenforce that yes, she was wearing flip flops.])

I kind of want a pet pig, preferably one with a heart shaped spot.(See video).



But I have some terms. I want it to stay a piglet. Can we pleaaase figure out how to stop aging or at least slow it down? But just in cute domesticated species. God knows we shouldn't open that can of worms in humanity, and what would that do to the cosmetic surgery industry? Please.