Relationship Woes

Due to popular demand, I need to cover another subject today.

In fact, one random thought I was going to cram into my blog from 20 minutes ago was LDRs. You may be wondering, "What on Earth is a LDR?" A LDR is the dreadful "Long Distance Relationship". A LDR, like a STD, should be avoided at all costs. And that is me speaking from experience. Didn't think I should throw these words of wisdom on top of my ramblings on pigs, rashes and my morning ineptitude.

One of my 35 cousins told me this morning how much she hated it when her boyfriend leaves on Monday. She is currently suffering from a LDR. Some keynote symptoms include: emotional loss, heartache, disorientation and a general disdain for the real world. If you have 2 or more of these symptoms you may be suffering from Stage 3 of a LDR.

A Briefing on Stages of an LDR:

• Stage 1: You like someone, talk to someone frequently even though you are aware they do not live near you. Against common sense you ignore this fact. Stage 1 is "risky behavior" and leaves you with a high chance for developing a Stage 2 LDR.


• Stage 2: Delirium. This can work. Sure it can! This Stage is one of the hardest stages to go through or witness someone else go through. Physical symptoms can be traumatizing. Symptoms include: perma-grin, weight loss, manic episodes, nervousness and delusional thoughts.


• Stage 3: Doubt. I went over the symptoms of Stage 3 a moment ago.


• Stage 4*: A Stage 4 LDR is very serious and should not be taken lightly. It can be ruinous to the central nervous system and leave a wake of depression in its midst even if cured. Treatment can be long and painful.

*Women are much more severely impacted by a Stage 4 LDR. The reasons for this remain a medical mystery.

OK. After covering LDRs I would like to move on to a somewhat lighter topic, but it is still a problematic condition that deserves to be noted.

It is a male condition. For short we will call it TTGFG. (Taking the Girlfriend for Granted). Men are very strange beings. When a man is first interested in a woman he pursues her vigorously. After winning her over with his charm, wit, dedication, loyalty and affection, he then enters the dreaded comfort zone and stops trying to impress his mate. This can lead to a UBU (Ugly Break Up), which are very unpleasant and can affect both men and women. I am taking suggestions on how to avoid TTGFG syndrome or a resulting UBU.

Be careful folks. It's a dangerous world we live in.